Hello to all in the club. The "widow club" that is. (More at www.CoachingForWidows.com)
Stages 2 and 3.
In stage 2, we are likely to be really immersed in our feelings and deeply connected to one's self. It is at this point we begin to take stock in our values and our beliefs. We continue to question "why" our husband was taken from us.
It was in this stage, I first began with my coach. I'll be honest, I knew I wanted to go through the stages, however, I was scared of really "dealing". I mean, the no holding back kind of dealing. I would ask myself, can I be still? (as in stop running from it (Rory's death) and doing the "busy stuff"). Can I be with this pain? Who am I now? What is important now that my world has tipped on its side? Having a champion, someone who had been there and done that, and someone who would help me find new perspectives (ways of looking at things) was extraordinarily helpful.
Here in stage 2 we contend with our new reality, develop new insights, reconstruct our personal values and beliefs and begin to accept and let go.
If you, fellow widow reading this find yourself in this stage 2 place, how are you doing? What aspects of this stage are you not ready to deal with yet, are working on presently and have completed? Take stock. Connect with your progress, your journey, your new insights. Give yourself a hug!
Stage 3: A time for renewal, acceptance, development of social relations and decisions about changes in lifestyle. We begin to be in the present, as opposed to the past. It was in this stage I could finally talk about my husband without crying (all the time). I felt as if I was driving my car and looking at my surroundings, using my side view mirrors, looking ahead and periodically looking in the rear view mirrow. The big shift for me was, I wasn't always looking in the rear view mirror. I was now living in the present and creating my new normal.
What about you? If you are in this stage...what's possible for you? What do you dream about? What do you want?
About "what do you want"...Do you know how often I used to acknowledge what I didn't want? Here and now I can claim and state what I do want. I wish for you this as well.
Realize there are choices. What are the new chapters you wish to write in your book of life?
I wish for you all happiness, love and health.
Warmly,
Colleen
http://www.coachingforwidows.com/
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Stage 1
Dear fellow widows,
It has been a few weeks since my last post. I've been traveling to Texas conducting leadership training for a couple of corporations and it has been keeping me very busy. When I get home, I want to spend the precious time with my son. Even so, this blog has been on my mind. I've been thinking about Stage 1 and remembering...It feels heavy in this Stage 1 place. Stage 1 is a stage (literally) in the grief journey. Working though it and experiencing it (albeit very difficult) is a must.
Here is to all of us on this journey. Remember, to visit the links and resources on my website www.CoachingForWidows.com for additional support.
STAGE 1: Acclimation and Adjustment
Stage 1 is a period of acclimation and adjustment, in which the primary issues faced by the newly bereaved can be broken down into four tasks.
1. Adjusting. You come to accept that your loved one is gone, and you begin making sense of the new set of circumstances n your life.
2. Functioning. It’s a cruel irony that the practicalities of mortgage payments, funeral expenses, insurance claims, hospital bills, disbursing of possessions, or getting back to work hit you at a time when you are least up to facing these issues. But despite your loss, you need to accept that you have a life to lead and must continue to deal with your everyday responsibilities.
3. Keeping in check. The temptation in the face of a tremendous loss is to emotionally shut down or, at the other extreme, to let your emotions and behavior flow unchecked. On of the tasks of Stage 1 is to find a way to manage your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
4. Accepting support. Often, you don’t have to face your loss alone. Learning to accept the kindness, help, encouragement, and support of the friends, family, and others who populate your life is important.
If you are in stage 1, please reach out and accept support. Get a support team. It really helps. It is too soon, (in stage 1) in my opinion to consider coaching. However, grief counseling, family, friends, church, fellow widows you may know etc. are great options.
If you are in this stage, think about who you can reach out to and what do you need/want?
Warmly,
Colleen
It has been a few weeks since my last post. I've been traveling to Texas conducting leadership training for a couple of corporations and it has been keeping me very busy. When I get home, I want to spend the precious time with my son. Even so, this blog has been on my mind. I've been thinking about Stage 1 and remembering...It feels heavy in this Stage 1 place. Stage 1 is a stage (literally) in the grief journey. Working though it and experiencing it (albeit very difficult) is a must.
Here is to all of us on this journey. Remember, to visit the links and resources on my website www.CoachingForWidows.com for additional support.
STAGE 1: Acclimation and Adjustment
Stage 1 is a period of acclimation and adjustment, in which the primary issues faced by the newly bereaved can be broken down into four tasks.
1. Adjusting. You come to accept that your loved one is gone, and you begin making sense of the new set of circumstances n your life.
2. Functioning. It’s a cruel irony that the practicalities of mortgage payments, funeral expenses, insurance claims, hospital bills, disbursing of possessions, or getting back to work hit you at a time when you are least up to facing these issues. But despite your loss, you need to accept that you have a life to lead and must continue to deal with your everyday responsibilities.
3. Keeping in check. The temptation in the face of a tremendous loss is to emotionally shut down or, at the other extreme, to let your emotions and behavior flow unchecked. On of the tasks of Stage 1 is to find a way to manage your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
4. Accepting support. Often, you don’t have to face your loss alone. Learning to accept the kindness, help, encouragement, and support of the friends, family, and others who populate your life is important.
If you are in stage 1, please reach out and accept support. Get a support team. It really helps. It is too soon, (in stage 1) in my opinion to consider coaching. However, grief counseling, family, friends, church, fellow widows you may know etc. are great options.
If you are in this stage, think about who you can reach out to and what do you need/want?
Warmly,
Colleen
Friday, February 1, 2008
Hello fellow widows,
Visit my website www.CoachingForWidows.com and check out the links and resources page for additional helpful information.
Today, I wanted to address the stages of grief. It is important to lay it all out there. I'm sure most of you have read these stages some place or another. I'll place the stage overview on today's blog and over the next few weeks will go more deeply into each stage and share some reflections and pose some questions to you the reader to serve your journey as well.
The goals of grief work are not to find ways to avoid or bypass the emotional turmoil and upsets brought by your loss. Instead, they involve working through the tasks and emotions of each stage of grief.
STAGE 1: ACCLIMATION AND ADJUSTMENT
· Adjusting, Functioning, Keeping in Check, Accepting Support
STAGE 2: EMOTIONAL IMMERSION AND DECONSTRUCTION
· Contending with reality, Development of Insight, Reconstructing personal values and beliefs, Acceptance and letting go.
STAGE 3: RECLAMATION AND RECONCILIATION
· Development of social relations, Decisions about change in lifestyle, Renewal of self-awareness, Acceptance of responsibility.
The clearest indicator of successful grief work, and the “end” of this last stage, is your ability to live with the memory of your loss without it filling your thoughts and affecting your daily feelings and behaviors.
Question for you, the reader of this blog: "Where are you in your stage of grief? What do you think and feel will serve you in your journey?" Please know, it is okay and it is really good to ask for help...Until next time.
Warmly,
Colleen
Visit my website www.CoachingForWidows.com and check out the links and resources page for additional helpful information.
Today, I wanted to address the stages of grief. It is important to lay it all out there. I'm sure most of you have read these stages some place or another. I'll place the stage overview on today's blog and over the next few weeks will go more deeply into each stage and share some reflections and pose some questions to you the reader to serve your journey as well.
The goals of grief work are not to find ways to avoid or bypass the emotional turmoil and upsets brought by your loss. Instead, they involve working through the tasks and emotions of each stage of grief.
STAGE 1: ACCLIMATION AND ADJUSTMENT
· Adjusting, Functioning, Keeping in Check, Accepting Support
STAGE 2: EMOTIONAL IMMERSION AND DECONSTRUCTION
· Contending with reality, Development of Insight, Reconstructing personal values and beliefs, Acceptance and letting go.
STAGE 3: RECLAMATION AND RECONCILIATION
· Development of social relations, Decisions about change in lifestyle, Renewal of self-awareness, Acceptance of responsibility.
The clearest indicator of successful grief work, and the “end” of this last stage, is your ability to live with the memory of your loss without it filling your thoughts and affecting your daily feelings and behaviors.
Question for you, the reader of this blog: "Where are you in your stage of grief? What do you think and feel will serve you in your journey?" Please know, it is okay and it is really good to ask for help...Until next time.
Warmly,
Colleen
Monday, January 7, 2008
It is a New Year and Blessings
Hello Ladies, (More at www.CoachingForWidows.com)
It has been a bit since I last posted. Maybe like you, the holiday season was eventful and time was occupied with so many things. There was a lot of "doing" and yes there was a lot of "being", reflecting on old memories and embracing new memories. Spending quality time with my son and family.
There are some things that always bring memories of my husband racing to the forefront. One that really hits me are Christmas ornaments. Putting them on the tree this year (remembering when / where we got them, conversations we had about them, past Christmas experiences etc.) made me feel warm and comforted. This past weekend I boxed up the ornaments and placed them away in storage. That always feels a bit sad for me and then I think about how happy I will be to see them again next year (knowing they are safely and lovingly stored till then.)
Today, I checked the mail and there was a letter addressed to my late husband, Rory. Still, on a rare occasion I receive his name addressed on mail. It was from the USGA, which he loved. Anyway, I took a deep breath or two, and wrote "deceased" and "please remove from mailing list". It still feels very very sad in my gut to write this and place in my mail box.
Then, a few moments later, I hear my 6 year old son, having a ball playing with his new "trash talking basketball hoop game". He and I set the game up today and I recorded "Ryan Is Awesome" and "Ryan Scores". So, everytime he shoots (which he has been doing non stop and only breaking for water!) he hears this positive reinforcement. What a blessing to have this beautiful child and how grateful I am for him, his joy, his health.
Another thing I am grateful for is that I accomplished a goal I set for myself in '07. I took this past year to transition from a corporate leader in business to starting my own coaching / training business. One important goal was to become a professionally certified coach. Which I accomplished! It took a good deal of commitment and work and I am proud of achieving this milestone. My coaching website for widows will go "live" soon and I believe there is much good I can do in coaching other widows who wish to create meaningful and passionate lives, even after such a tragic event as losing one' s spouse. I want so much for all of us!
Here is to a great '08, where we have gratitude for what we do have and love ourselves enough to "be with" our grief, "move in and through it" and find promise for each new day!
Warmly,
Colleen http://www.coachingforwidows.com/
It has been a bit since I last posted. Maybe like you, the holiday season was eventful and time was occupied with so many things. There was a lot of "doing" and yes there was a lot of "being", reflecting on old memories and embracing new memories. Spending quality time with my son and family.
There are some things that always bring memories of my husband racing to the forefront. One that really hits me are Christmas ornaments. Putting them on the tree this year (remembering when / where we got them, conversations we had about them, past Christmas experiences etc.) made me feel warm and comforted. This past weekend I boxed up the ornaments and placed them away in storage. That always feels a bit sad for me and then I think about how happy I will be to see them again next year (knowing they are safely and lovingly stored till then.)
Today, I checked the mail and there was a letter addressed to my late husband, Rory. Still, on a rare occasion I receive his name addressed on mail. It was from the USGA, which he loved. Anyway, I took a deep breath or two, and wrote "deceased" and "please remove from mailing list". It still feels very very sad in my gut to write this and place in my mail box.
Then, a few moments later, I hear my 6 year old son, having a ball playing with his new "trash talking basketball hoop game". He and I set the game up today and I recorded "Ryan Is Awesome" and "Ryan Scores". So, everytime he shoots (which he has been doing non stop and only breaking for water!) he hears this positive reinforcement. What a blessing to have this beautiful child and how grateful I am for him, his joy, his health.
Another thing I am grateful for is that I accomplished a goal I set for myself in '07. I took this past year to transition from a corporate leader in business to starting my own coaching / training business. One important goal was to become a professionally certified coach. Which I accomplished! It took a good deal of commitment and work and I am proud of achieving this milestone. My coaching website for widows will go "live" soon and I believe there is much good I can do in coaching other widows who wish to create meaningful and passionate lives, even after such a tragic event as losing one' s spouse. I want so much for all of us!
Here is to a great '08, where we have gratitude for what we do have and love ourselves enough to "be with" our grief, "move in and through it" and find promise for each new day!
Warmly,
Colleen http://www.coachingforwidows.com/
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
"KITCHEN BOY"
Yes, "Kitchen Boy". Sounds strange and yet to me it makes me laugh. (More at www.CoachingForWidows.com)
Here is how it all started. Several years ago I used to present and facilitate leadership training programs at very big corporate conferences and my dear husband would be "kitchen boy". It was a term given by him as he laughed about it all. Rory would sit in the kitchen on a chair and God bless him, he would be my student and listen and participate. I would go on and on...Sometimes the programs I would train could go up to 2 and 1/2 days in length. That is a great deal of time to be "kitchen boy"!
Recently, I found myself venturing into this work again and into preparing for yet another big training event. It had been a few years since I had done this kind of work and as I began my preparation process, I once again realized, "where is KITCHEN BOY?" Again, it came through just how much I missed my husband and how much he must have really loved me to do this! More, I smile and I laughed. I felt such a lightness in all of it. I won't lie, there is other heavy stuff too, but not as much. There is such joy and remembrance. Now I can't say preparing for these things and having your husband be "kitchen boy" is like a night out at a comedy show, but it its own way, it sure was fun.
It is so good to be able to love. I realize all the time how much Rory loved me (how much I loved him) and how lucky I was to have had 10 amazing years of marriage and a beautiful son. Now, for me, and for all of us...it comes down to love. Loving ourselves, first and foremost. I mean really loving ourselves. For I believe it is in this place of self-love we can heal, grieve, and be happy and fulfilled once again.
What is one thing that you, yes you, reading this do to take a step forward? To step away from self doubt and own what a beautiful and loving person you are and are becoming more and more with each passing day...
Warmly,
Colleen http://www.coachingforwidows.com/
Here is how it all started. Several years ago I used to present and facilitate leadership training programs at very big corporate conferences and my dear husband would be "kitchen boy". It was a term given by him as he laughed about it all. Rory would sit in the kitchen on a chair and God bless him, he would be my student and listen and participate. I would go on and on...Sometimes the programs I would train could go up to 2 and 1/2 days in length. That is a great deal of time to be "kitchen boy"!
Recently, I found myself venturing into this work again and into preparing for yet another big training event. It had been a few years since I had done this kind of work and as I began my preparation process, I once again realized, "where is KITCHEN BOY?" Again, it came through just how much I missed my husband and how much he must have really loved me to do this! More, I smile and I laughed. I felt such a lightness in all of it. I won't lie, there is other heavy stuff too, but not as much. There is such joy and remembrance. Now I can't say preparing for these things and having your husband be "kitchen boy" is like a night out at a comedy show, but it its own way, it sure was fun.
It is so good to be able to love. I realize all the time how much Rory loved me (how much I loved him) and how lucky I was to have had 10 amazing years of marriage and a beautiful son. Now, for me, and for all of us...it comes down to love. Loving ourselves, first and foremost. I mean really loving ourselves. For I believe it is in this place of self-love we can heal, grieve, and be happy and fulfilled once again.
What is one thing that you, yes you, reading this do to take a step forward? To step away from self doubt and own what a beautiful and loving person you are and are becoming more and more with each passing day...
Warmly,
Colleen http://www.coachingforwidows.com/
Sunday, September 30, 2007
My son and me; watching a Daddy DVD
Hello to all, More at www.CoachingForWidows.com
About a year and a half ago I took all of our family VHS tapes and had them made into DVD's. I remember what a huge deal that was. It was still difficult to touch those tapes and then turn them over to a professional to upgrade them, I was afraid. It was a big deal. Those tapes had most of what I thought was left of my husband Rory and I was scared to part with them.
On more than a few occasions I have asked my son if he would like to watch a DVD of himself, his daddy, mommy and friends/family. He has been unsure and has repeatedly said things like, "maybe tomorrow".
Tonight I took "the box" of DVD's and showed him some pictures on the covers and gratefully for us both, he too was ready.
So, watching a DVD of my husband and our life with my now 6 year old was yes, all you imagine. Tears, laughter, pure joy, remembrance in the purest sense, continued grief, and something I am not sure I can even definitively name.
My son laughed. Yes, he laughed. We laughed. There was joy and yes, I cried too (albeit silent tears). My 6 year old asked about the tears, and then said "mommy don't cry" and then he laughed again at something on the DVD. WOW!! The belly laughs he let out watching our lives several years back was, "worth the price of admission!"
Here is what resonates. This experience has changed me profoundly. I would gladly and eagerly give anything and everything I have to have my husband Rory back, and sadly we all know that having our spouse back is just not possible.
In my gut and in my soul I know I will always miss him, and because of or in spite of, I believe I will go on to do good work and help others.
That "belly laugh" is something I really really want to experience again and again. It is powerful. To find a life and work that gives you that "belly laugh" and makes you whole is pretty spectacular or as my husband would say "outstanding". This is what I wish for my son and for you all.
My vision and quest is for us widows to go through our grief and "reach for the brass ring". Reach out, post and share when you are ready.
Let's make something great!
Warmly,
Colleen
About a year and a half ago I took all of our family VHS tapes and had them made into DVD's. I remember what a huge deal that was. It was still difficult to touch those tapes and then turn them over to a professional to upgrade them, I was afraid. It was a big deal. Those tapes had most of what I thought was left of my husband Rory and I was scared to part with them.
On more than a few occasions I have asked my son if he would like to watch a DVD of himself, his daddy, mommy and friends/family. He has been unsure and has repeatedly said things like, "maybe tomorrow".
Tonight I took "the box" of DVD's and showed him some pictures on the covers and gratefully for us both, he too was ready.
So, watching a DVD of my husband and our life with my now 6 year old was yes, all you imagine. Tears, laughter, pure joy, remembrance in the purest sense, continued grief, and something I am not sure I can even definitively name.
My son laughed. Yes, he laughed. We laughed. There was joy and yes, I cried too (albeit silent tears). My 6 year old asked about the tears, and then said "mommy don't cry" and then he laughed again at something on the DVD. WOW!! The belly laughs he let out watching our lives several years back was, "worth the price of admission!"
Here is what resonates. This experience has changed me profoundly. I would gladly and eagerly give anything and everything I have to have my husband Rory back, and sadly we all know that having our spouse back is just not possible.
In my gut and in my soul I know I will always miss him, and because of or in spite of, I believe I will go on to do good work and help others.
That "belly laugh" is something I really really want to experience again and again. It is powerful. To find a life and work that gives you that "belly laugh" and makes you whole is pretty spectacular or as my husband would say "outstanding". This is what I wish for my son and for you all.
My vision and quest is for us widows to go through our grief and "reach for the brass ring". Reach out, post and share when you are ready.
Let's make something great!
Warmly,
Colleen
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
First Blog Widows Walk Speak
Hello, More at www.CoachingForWidows.com
It is with a heavy, yet faithful heart and soul, I reach out. This is my first blog. Okay, I'm 43, and blogging is a big deal because it is new to me. Somewhere I got lost between gen x and boomers, and gen y's etc.
So, here's why I am here. My husband Rory (who was my best friend) lost his battle with cancer 3 years ago. He was 39 years old and fought with such grace to stay alive. He so wanted to be in the life of our beloved young son Ryan who was (just few months old when he was diagnosed) and just 3 years old at his passing.
Here is my quest, my vision. I believe widows know more about life and about death than many and I wish to be there to help other young and middle aged widows pick up the pieces and go on to live extraordinary lives.
I left my corporate job over a year ago and became a professional coach. I coach young/middle aged widows find what is most important to them now, and to find their new normal. I am in process of writing a book for widows and deeply want to help and serve others who have been through this experience.
I open this blog up to you all. Those of you have experienced spousal loss and wish to become "unstuck" and "come alive again". Feel free to post your thoughts and reflections. Together we can build a community of not only support but of "going for the brass ring". To live a life of purpose, of meaning, of joy.
Best,
Colleen
It is with a heavy, yet faithful heart and soul, I reach out. This is my first blog. Okay, I'm 43, and blogging is a big deal because it is new to me. Somewhere I got lost between gen x and boomers, and gen y's etc.
So, here's why I am here. My husband Rory (who was my best friend) lost his battle with cancer 3 years ago. He was 39 years old and fought with such grace to stay alive. He so wanted to be in the life of our beloved young son Ryan who was (just few months old when he was diagnosed) and just 3 years old at his passing.
Here is my quest, my vision. I believe widows know more about life and about death than many and I wish to be there to help other young and middle aged widows pick up the pieces and go on to live extraordinary lives.
I left my corporate job over a year ago and became a professional coach. I coach young/middle aged widows find what is most important to them now, and to find their new normal. I am in process of writing a book for widows and deeply want to help and serve others who have been through this experience.
I open this blog up to you all. Those of you have experienced spousal loss and wish to become "unstuck" and "come alive again". Feel free to post your thoughts and reflections. Together we can build a community of not only support but of "going for the brass ring". To live a life of purpose, of meaning, of joy.
Best,
Colleen
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